ArcGIS has a few nifty table tools, including Summarize and Statistics. Is there a way to access them through arcpy, or will I have to hack my own methods via math and lists?
You appear to be referring to Summary Statistics which :
Calculates summary statistics for field(s) in a table.
If you are looking for other statistical values not available through the conventional interface, for numeric fields, then you could have a look at:
A variety of statistical parameters, including several instantiations of skewness and kurtosis, can be derived as well as the ability to obtain frequency distributions for said data.